To Say Goodbye-- Five times

Just the other day, five premature kittens came out from their mother's womb. This was not actually her first time to give birth to a shouldn't-be-born-yet kittens, and this was her third. Maybe there is nothing wrong about it--it's pretty normal--it's part of reality. Yes, I know that. But you know the real pain there is how you see them struggle to survive and yet they still eventually die. It's not their death that makes you sad, but the fact that you see them hurting--but there's nothing you can do about it. You're just there--Hopeless.


The four kittens came out alive. Unfortunately or maybe, just maybe, fortunately the remaining one came out already dead. I am not cruel--I did not wish it dead, but with theirs and my situation, I think it was best. When there were all out of their mother's womb, she did not even bothered to clean her youngs thoroughly. They were wet, umbilical cord still intact, and they're very very small. But the worst part of all is she refused to breastfeed them. I thought that she was just too tired to feed them, and maybe she needed a little time to recover.


The next morning when I woke up, I checked on them. In their box I did not find their mother. I tried to force her in the box, but she refused to stay--and eventually run away from me. Later that day, the kittens cried all afternoon. It was evident that they're hungry and weak. I developed another plan--to force her to lay down on her side as I hold a kitten one at time and guide its mouth to her tits. But unfortunately, and as expected it wasn't successful. Thoughts ran through my mind--maybe they didn't how to do it yet--or maybe she's just so fidgety and so they were not able to do....


I tried to sleep early that evening. However, it was difficult to do so especially when you hear their chorus---
The thought of performing euthanasia flashed in my mind. But I won't, and I can't even do it at all. I prayed for miracle, but somehow deep inside me I know that they're not going to survive. And so I just prayed to God, to just take them away the soonest possible--to end their sufferings.


After a while, they quiet down. Maybe they realized no mother has gone there to answer their woe--or maybe they just grew tired--and hungry. How I wish there was something I could do. If only I have money--maybe I have already sent them to a veterinary clinic. Or if I could just transform myself into a cat and breastfeed them--maybe I have done it already. It kills--the feeling of wanting to do something but you're not capable of doing so.


Yesterday afternoon, another kitten died. I wasn't there when it happened. I wish I was there by its side, but maybe it was for the better--so that I will not feel more sad. Later that evening, another 'kit' died, leaving the remaining three struggling for survival. Maybe it was just so weak and hungry that I actually did not hear a cry from it during that night. I just found it dead when I checked on them.


The night seemed very long for the three remaining 'kits'. One was quieter than the two. And somehow I told myself, that it wouldn't be long that yet again I have to say goodbye to this unfortunately born being. The remaining two didn't look good either. One of them started vomiting something from its mouth--the other one was even more struggling for breath. They were wet of their piss--maybe it was just too hurtful for them...


The rest of the night became more quiet. No cry from them--no sound of any movement--they're just there lying on an old towel where i put them. If you looked at them you would think they were just sleeping--and how cute they were. But sadly--they finally rested in peace.


I asked myself, was there something I could've done? Or it was one of the situations that they call as part of life where in you just have to accept facts and be okay with it. Maybe I wish I had money--so that I could have brought them to a veterinarian. Or maybe I wish that it was not me or them who have to suffer such unfortunate event. But I know--I wish they didn't suffer as bad as I imagined.

Five is a lot,

And so one was gone.

One was lonely,

And so another one died.

The three struggled to survive,

But one surrendered and bid goodbye.

Two strongs remained,
Yet they failed to be victorious against hunger.


Rest in Peace.. x_X