Struggle vs. Surrender

 i have nowhere to run nor hide
the place where i stand
is nothing but a tip of an iceberg
im barely hanging
waiting for myself to fall

i dont know which hurts the most
that i keep struggling with a "reason"
or shall i let 'me fall down
to nowhere and forever be lost

i call names of people
who seem not to hear my voice
like always
im lost in oblivion
never heard of, always invisible

Let It Rain

Let it rain,
So no one will hear,
When I scream "surrender" with the thunder,
When everything fails.


Let it rain,
So no one will know,
When I stumble, cry and weep,
As the raindrops will hide my tears.


Let it rain,
Coz no one will walk with me,
To become my shadow--a friend to be,
As rain will soak thy beauty, and I am unworthy.


Let it rain,
Coz it is my only friend,
Who scream, who cries, and walk with me,
Who shares my grief--a being with empathy.

Manual of Solitude [-unedited-] #1

The Messenger

"His face was formed in shadowy blur in front of me. No smile was formed on his lips--but there was a feeling of solitude lingering on his brown eyes. Tiny drops of rain water were slowly falling down from the tips of his unkempt hair. My vision was blurry at that moment. However, I know--in my hear that he was staring back at me. We just stood in front of each other. Although there were no words between the two of us, but nevertheless--I still felt his sorrow and the feeling of despair in his heart. I lifted my hand and genlty rubbed my wrist on my eyes. My vision cleared and--the man that was standing in front of me was no other than--me."

It was already 2 in the afternoon at that time. It was raining heavy outside. Though it was still not that late, however, the color outside was already tinted gray. I removed the courier bag that was resting on my shoulder and placed it on top of my bed. My clothes were wet, even the leather jacket that I was wearing. I was about to remove my jacket when I realized I still need to go to a convenience store nearby to buy some ingredients for my dinner later. I slowly walked towards my bedroom window. As I was getting nearer I heared the laughter of children just outside.When I finally got a view of the outside, there I saw them playing under the rain--running and jumping around the puddles of mud. Older people walk them by, with their umbrellas over their head--but instead of scolding them, they just laughed with them. I thought that maybe they also miss those moments--the fun playing under the pouring rain. During the olden days that they still haven't realize that playing with earth and mud was dirty. Maybe I miss these times too--lying on the ground facing the sky as the rain soaks you...reminiscing--I just gave the moment a smile.

My sight diverted to a small pot on my window sill. It used to have a cactus there, I thought. But now all's left was chunk of something in black. Maybe I really don't know how to take care of sombody--even this thing--or even my self. Maybe I will just really have to figure out how to live alone.

I walked outside my room and went to the kitchen. I filled the keetle with some tap water, and placed it on the top of the stove. I took a teaspoon out of the spoon and fork holder. I opened my cupboard to get a mug but there was none. I turned around and my vision moved towards the sink--and there they are, 5 mugs lying unclean. I was about to wash them but when I squeezed the dishwashing soap--it didn't resist a bit--air's what escaped from the opening. Too lazy to write it up and include it on my list of things to buy--I tried to make a mental note--don't forget to by soap. The water started to boil and so the kettle started to wail. I turned the knob of the stove off and placed the boiled water on the vacumm flask. I took my keys from the counter and threaded my way to my apartment's door. I switched the lights off and went outside to go the store.

Tired of clicking? Say it aloud!

 I once read on a magazine about this feature in Windows Vista and Windows 7 called 'speech recognition', that is giving you the ability to operate your computer just by saying commands out load. Yes, you heard that right. I was also bit suprised to know, such feature actually exists. I have with me a Compaq laptop with Windows Vista Starter OS for almost 1 1/2 years now, and I just recently knew about this feature.

 This feature was actually first presented on a WinXP, however, it's not as stable as the later versions of Windows. With WinXP, you can control certain and few Windows programs, such as Internet Explorer. However, with Windows Vista (I have a Vista starter, and it's pretty much stable to me) and Windows 7, you can almost command every program just by saying out loud and clear what is that you want that particular program to do for you. However, there are also limitations which I would try to discuss later. 

This particular feature is most especially useful for laptops nowadays. That is because most of these--or at least many of these laptops come with a built-in microphone which is generally the tool needed in order for you to enjoy operating your PCs verbally. So why waste and not use what comes free? However, the downside of course of--relying with a built-in microphone is that it, you need to talk loud (and clear)  in order for your unit be able to recognize what you are saying, and you need to be in place with as little noise as possible. Therefore, it is very much recommended that you use good microphone or headsets with 'boom microphone' rather than relying on an integrated mic.

To start using this feature, you need to go Sound. You can get there in two ways: [1. click Start. type Sound on the search box. select Sound] or [2. go to Control panel and click Sound (note: try switching to classic mode to find it easier)]. (note: Or you could actually just proceed to Speech Recognition Options, just replace the word Sound.) 

On Sound window, click on the Recording tab, then select your preferred mic to use (if you have more than one) by clicking it. Then click Configure, this will open a window where you can configure your Speech Recognition Options. If it's your first time to use Speech Recognition, clicking Start Speech Recognition will launch a wizard that will take you through an initial configuration steps. After selecting your prefered mic (recording device), you will be asked to read a short sentence. When the setup is finished, you'll be able to practice commanding (through voice) your PC via a speech recognition tutorial.

It takes time to finish the tutorial, but it is a good way for your computer to be familiar with your voice--build your voice profile, and also it gives you 'hints' on what to say for specific actions you want your computer to do for you. I will not elaborate on all the commands though since it will be very lengthy. Just go with the tutorial, it's a nice experience, I tell you. 

To start using Speech recognition, you  say "Start listening"

To stop, say "Stop listening"

If you don't know that to say (or forgot), say "What can I say?"

Speech recognition is fun, right? It's almost like you don't want to use your hands to type and click. However, as I said earlier there will be always a downside. When using Speech recognition, you can't play music (on speakers) on your computer. Even if you put it in sleep state, once it thinks you said Start listening it will start taking verbal command. This sometimes lead your computer or Speech recognition to hang for a little while (because of the playing song). Sometimes it also take time for your command to be executed, most especially if your environment is noisy, and your computer is bit 'o slowpoke. So far, these are the only problems I encountered with my experience using Speech recognition. 

I wish I could control my Mouse Pointer using Speech Recognition. 

It would be awesome to control the game character with my voice. x_X

War Epilogue -unedited-

the houses are burning,
ashes on the wind,
tears imbedded on earth,
names in voices and cardboards.

dragons have died on the east,
with their roars that echo,
and their pillars that explode,
but so is this field, halt to exist.

blood tinted the paths,
and fields left unempty,
scattered bones and flesh,
dripping blood and burning lumbers.

Who are those who wish for death?
But still are alive.
Who are those who longed for peace?
But now are delivered to rest.

I love her . . . . .

in thousand of days i have, i never did expect for someone like her to come in my life. yes, maybe i wished for a girl like her but i never expected that that wish will be granted. perhaps there are times that i got to think that i should have known her earlier before--and so that my life should have never been this miserable. but then, i got to realize, that if that is what happened, maybe it wouldn't be her. she has her million ways for me to love her. each day it's like she makes me give a sigh of relief, a smile to show how happy i am, and tears to show how much i'm thankful that she have finally found me. she is my everything and i love her because of all the crazy things she possess. maybe she doesn't always show me how much she loves me, but i still able to smile because just knowing that whenever i turn around, there she is always by my side.

she has no talent for cooking, but she has the passion and determination to learn. i always remember the times that she would proudly say to me that she's going to cook something delicious, but she always end up serving me noodles on a cup. she would scribble a smiley face on the cup and stick a note saying, "made with 100% love". who wouldn't love that? i got to eat the most special food in the whole universe.

she's simple in so many ways. but nevertheless she will always be my goddess. she wears cologne not perfume--but she smells like an angel. she puts nothing on her lips but lip gloss--that everytime i am near her i always smell the scent of vanilla--her favorite. and although she always prefer to wear jeans and shirts--but with her smile she is always good to go.

maybe she doesn't always say or show her philosophy about love. but i will never forget that time we were on the mall. we were in line waiting for our ice cream, when i turned around she was nowhere to be found. i searched for her everywhere, and there i found her, smiling in front of a display room with a man and a woman mannequins. she took one cone of ice cream from my hand and smiled at me. only then i realized what she did--she's done it again. she made the mannequins hold each other's hand.

in the middle of the night she would call me--ask me to go out with her. but instead of going to bars and partying, we always end up walking and running around the park. and when we finally grew tired, we would lay down on the grass and gaze up on the starry night. and when the time we need to go home comes, she always make me carry her on my back. eventhough she's a little heavy, most of the times i even don't get to realize it. because she would be singing songs for me--at the top of her lungs and i end up singing with her.

every day with her is like a gift to be open. it is always good and full of surprises. but the best time that i would never forget is the time she thought she lost her promise ring that i gave. she removed the ring from her finger when she volunteered to wash the dishes. maybe she forgot to slip it back on her finger and that i saw it by the sink. i noticed that it is not in good shape and thought some good polishing will be good. i did not tell her about my plan when i send her ring to a goldsmith. when i arrived at home--there she was crying. she said she's sorry that she lost the ring. she told me she looked for it everywhere and that she even ask her grandmother to look for it. i felt guilty and sorry. i gave back her ring and she started crying out loud. instead of being angry with me she just cried and hugged me tightly.i did not realize how important that is to her--but i'm happy, because back then i finally knew why i love her...that is, because she loves me.

To Say Goodbye-- Five times

Just the other day, five premature kittens came out from their mother's womb. This was not actually her first time to give birth to a shouldn't-be-born-yet kittens, and this was her third. Maybe there is nothing wrong about it--it's pretty normal--it's part of reality. Yes, I know that. But you know the real pain there is how you see them struggle to survive and yet they still eventually die. It's not their death that makes you sad, but the fact that you see them hurting--but there's nothing you can do about it. You're just there--Hopeless.


The four kittens came out alive. Unfortunately or maybe, just maybe, fortunately the remaining one came out already dead. I am not cruel--I did not wish it dead, but with theirs and my situation, I think it was best. When there were all out of their mother's womb, she did not even bothered to clean her youngs thoroughly. They were wet, umbilical cord still intact, and they're very very small. But the worst part of all is she refused to breastfeed them. I thought that she was just too tired to feed them, and maybe she needed a little time to recover.


The next morning when I woke up, I checked on them. In their box I did not find their mother. I tried to force her in the box, but she refused to stay--and eventually run away from me. Later that day, the kittens cried all afternoon. It was evident that they're hungry and weak. I developed another plan--to force her to lay down on her side as I hold a kitten one at time and guide its mouth to her tits. But unfortunately, and as expected it wasn't successful. Thoughts ran through my mind--maybe they didn't how to do it yet--or maybe she's just so fidgety and so they were not able to do....


I tried to sleep early that evening. However, it was difficult to do so especially when you hear their chorus---
The thought of performing euthanasia flashed in my mind. But I won't, and I can't even do it at all. I prayed for miracle, but somehow deep inside me I know that they're not going to survive. And so I just prayed to God, to just take them away the soonest possible--to end their sufferings.


After a while, they quiet down. Maybe they realized no mother has gone there to answer their woe--or maybe they just grew tired--and hungry. How I wish there was something I could do. If only I have money--maybe I have already sent them to a veterinary clinic. Or if I could just transform myself into a cat and breastfeed them--maybe I have done it already. It kills--the feeling of wanting to do something but you're not capable of doing so.


Yesterday afternoon, another kitten died. I wasn't there when it happened. I wish I was there by its side, but maybe it was for the better--so that I will not feel more sad. Later that evening, another 'kit' died, leaving the remaining three struggling for survival. Maybe it was just so weak and hungry that I actually did not hear a cry from it during that night. I just found it dead when I checked on them.


The night seemed very long for the three remaining 'kits'. One was quieter than the two. And somehow I told myself, that it wouldn't be long that yet again I have to say goodbye to this unfortunately born being. The remaining two didn't look good either. One of them started vomiting something from its mouth--the other one was even more struggling for breath. They were wet of their piss--maybe it was just too hurtful for them...


The rest of the night became more quiet. No cry from them--no sound of any movement--they're just there lying on an old towel where i put them. If you looked at them you would think they were just sleeping--and how cute they were. But sadly--they finally rested in peace.


I asked myself, was there something I could've done? Or it was one of the situations that they call as part of life where in you just have to accept facts and be okay with it. Maybe I wish I had money--so that I could have brought them to a veterinarian. Or maybe I wish that it was not me or them who have to suffer such unfortunate event. But I know--I wish they didn't suffer as bad as I imagined.

Five is a lot,

And so one was gone.

One was lonely,

And so another one died.

The three struggled to survive,

But one surrendered and bid goodbye.

Two strongs remained,
Yet they failed to be victorious against hunger.


Rest in Peace.. x_X